A few months ago, I made a blog post about why I love uni, which I only posted a few weeks ago, because I'm still shiet at this blogging thing lol. Today, even though that sentiment of love is still somewhat there, I have started to feel more and more bored... Returning to uni and readapting to my new uni life after coming back from the new year holidays, made something click and disenchantment has started to grow. Ya gurl is all up in her feelings, but hopefully writing about it will make me understand why.
Firstly, I guess constantly living on campus and being at university all the time has made my life mainly uni centered. Although living that uni life is great, nowadays I feel somewhat constrained. I guess it's my own fault, but the fact that after lectures or tutorials end, I'm only two minutes away from secluding myself in the man-cave that is my room, which means that I don't really make the effort to explore and check out new places in the city. If I lived further from uni or back at home, the journey back from lectures could involve biking and enjoying the beautiful scenery or stopping at a cafe on the way to the train station. The journey back could have been somewhat of an adventure. Living on campus, where there are all my lectures and tutorials, as well as, a food plaza, supermarket and gym, is a blessing and amazing opportunity, however, restricting myself to just the university campus due to convenience but also a little bit of laziness, is becoming suffocating and has created a feeling of constant boredom and disenchantment within me.
Constantly being on campus and living the uni life/ student lifestyle has also made me feel that friendships and fun is dependent on uni/ the people of my course. Yes, uni is about meeting life long friends and whatnot, and even though I have made friends I don't feel live I've made a deep connection with people at uni yet.
I find that I have more genuine fun with my old friends or when I am back at home, but maybe I just still need to find my real inner tight knit circle.
Sparked by the numerous photos on social media, I have also subconsciously created a self inflicted peer pressure where not going out to go clubbing feels like a waste of my student life and that it is the epitome of fun since thats what people around me are doing. When I do go out and go clubbing with course mates, even though I do enjoy it, I think I would enjoy more if I was with people I connected deeply with.
This constant feeling of boredom and somewhat loneliness has made reconsider living here during my second year of uni, but maybe I just need this discomfort in order to allow myself to grow?? So I'm stuck in a conundrum - Should I go back home and be surrounded by people who are a genuine source of happiness or should I stay and meet people who might come to mean something or not?
Lastly, the lust for trying new things has decreased and I guess excitement of the unknown has been replaced with fear of the unknown. Additionally, the fear of having a bland un-unique resume and not having enough experience that will help me stand out, has started to occur. Some people in my course seem to having their life together and their future sorted as they are either having an internship at an advertising agency at their aunts company this summer, or working for a local magazine and getting paid for it, which is all good for their resume and is quite unique. I guess I SHOULD NOT COMPARE and just focus on myself.
All in all, my mood correlates so much with the weather so maybe I have contracted the winter blues which is why I'm feeling like this? Or maybe I'm just looking for a sense of "home" and belonging that I have yet to find?
Most of all, I think I depend to much on my surroundings, the people, and the situations i am in.
if I want to adventure then instead of limiting myself to go the food court at uni I can go somewhere into town and find a cute cafe instead. If uni people or my roommates are not that interested or are too busy to go adventuring with along with me, that should not stop me from doing things on my own.
I guess I just have to realise that there is so much more than just uni and the identity I have attached to it. I have to learn to not allow my surroundings and situations to dominate my life - I don't know how to put it, but basically, just because I live on campus and it is currently where I am the most and everyone around me is connected to university in one way or another, my life does not have to be solely centered around university and the people.
I need to find a way to make my life not only uni focused and do more things that are unrelated to university and my course by join activities like yoga and dance classes outside of the university campus, I also need to not focus on other people and what they or doing or what they think about me and just focus on myself by finally getting my drivers licence and expanding and adding interesting and unique experiences I can add onto my resume.
Interestingly enough all this was illustrated in my February recap/ mood board post which you can check out here. Now that were in March, and the sun is makes and appearance now and then, the feeling of boredom, disenchantment and loneliness, has started to fade. I guess this is just the spark of my journey of independence and self development. I sincerely think and hope this is just a rut I am going to get over, but I guess we shall see where life goes from there.
x
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